The Creature

What is Truth? “Truth” was once something I held so concretely, something I trusted another with so diligently… so dogmatically. It was something I didn’t need to search for as it was offered up with so much confidence and bravado, with so much unwavering tenacity by someone who had usurped my utmost trust that I never needed to question it.

Yet, when I began to press against “truth” it began to waver. I found myself lost. When “truth” came crashing down around me, my sense of self faltered. This truth I had dedicated 10 years of my life to and to this man who held his truth so confidently was suddenly just a man in my eyes. As I would soon learn, he was also vile and abusive, the exact opposite of what he so boldly claimed to be, which was a godly man and a good shepherd. In reality he was a man with an inflated and dangerous sense of ego that would trample over anything or anyone that got in his way.

For years I feared the world, feared its influence over me and my family. I began to instead fear the leader I had put all of my faith in. I was lost. I was scared. I was alone. In my attempt to leave I felt as though I was trapped in a cage, separated from my wife being poked and prodded by a grotesque creature impatiently waiting for my demise or servitude while she hopelessly watched a few feet away, confused as to who was right. I found myself starved for human affection, love, and comfort as I questioned the creature's worldview which in turn made the creature feel small and threatened. 

I had a choice to make within the prison I found myself in. To accept the truth I had partaken of and advocated for, which I now knew was false, and succumb to the prodding of the creature, or to risk further isolation and desolation in striving for what I knew to be right. The choice to reject what I once held dear was not only an affront to the creature, but also to my wife and friends I held dear within the subjugated community. To affront the creature was an attack upon their community itself and what they believed to be their very salvation. If I was right, they would be lost. My rejection of their truth could shatter their world. I was a threat to their way of life, an example of what happens when the creature is challenged.

As I sat within the cage, it became clear to me that I had always been imprisoned by the creature and his teaching since the giving over of myself to it, beheld to his power as I gave over more and more of myself. The difference now? I knew I was in a cage. Everything to which I gave value was dangled before me watching me writhe in pain as I continued to push back against the falsehoods of the creature. The lie I had embraced warmly for ten years attempted to wriggle control of me vicariously through the creature. My cage now was my choice as I remained in the creature’s grip holding out hope that my wife would flee with me. I knew that if I responded too strongly or too soon, if I tried to escape without her, I may well lose her forever. In the midst of this internal struggle the creature was there, ever peering. Poking. Prodding. Threatening. Promising. Lying. Pillaging. Poking. Prodding. Threatening. Promising. Lying. Pillaging. Poking. Prodding.

The creature's cruelty and its assault on our relationship pushed my wife to the breaking point, leading her to unlatch the cage door. We escaped. We were together. We were free, or so we thought. As we left the prison, we felt the cold chill of the outside world. A desolate wasteland with little to offer in the way of comfort or safety. Freedom was terrifying as we left everything we knew behind. In our attempt to experience the outside world as normal functioning individuals we were constantly met with a severe amount of distrust toward the world. Everyone has the potential of inwardly hosting a creature within attempting to escape, deceive, devour and exploit. 

We would look back towards the cage and ask if we had fabricated the whole ordeal. No one could be as truly evil as that creature was, could they? People couldn’t possibly look at such torture while spitting on and shaming victims, could they? People couldn’t side with a creature after seeing so clearly the acts it was capable of… could they?

Truth. What is truth in the midst of these questions? Is there truth? Or is the truth that we are all wicked and depraved, so gullible as to turn on loved ones at the behest of someone we see as higher than ourselves? I now believe this is truth: we are all capable of great evil and we are all susceptible to great deception. People can and will betray. People will prey on those weaker than themselves. People will pillage, steal, lie, murder, hate and commit a countless number of evils as vast as the human imagination. The truth is that we are all deeply broken and wounded. We have been scourged by people we trust, damaged by our guardians, goaded on by our peers, molested and mistreated by adults we are supposed to trust from a young age. We are spat on and misused. We are abandoned when we need someone safe the most. Our sense of attachment and belonging severed at a young age. We are lied to, cheated on. We are often the victims of great evil as we walk through this broken world that can feel so chaotic and unpredictable with little in the form of respite. 

What do we do in spite of this truth? How do we trust, if at all? How do we not fall victim again and again? 

I have trusted and have been hurt deeply since leaving the thrall of the creature. Shame for not seeing it sooner accompanied renewed pain as it seems these creatures continue to peer out of those we open ourselves to; though it may not always be the case, the risk is ever present. Trust isn’t something I want to forsake completely, though I may continue to experience pain at the hands of others, it is more terrifying to walk out this life in isolation and fear. I cannot let the creature’s impact on me continue to rob me of human connection. 

What I can do is be vigilant in protecting my family and myself. I continue to set boundaries and make others aware of my limits, afterall, these creatures hate limits and sneer at boundaries. This offers us protection and can help to reveal a creature waiting to pounce. I give trust slowly, sharing small to build trust rather than sharing big at the onset of a friendship. I hold many at arms length, to my fault or gain I am unsure. It is still terrifying to open myself fully to another human being. 

I have a desire for justice against the creature. I want to see it imprisoned for what it did to me and has done to a growing number of others. I want freedom for its subjects. I want them to see it for what it really is. The reality is that I likely will not see that happen in this lifetime. Oftentimes evil like this and many others go unpunished in this world. Eyes often turn away when confronted by evil and evil men prosper at the expense of the vulnerable. This is truth. In light of this truth, I do not yet have an answer to all of these questions.

Truth is that humanity is depraved and unable to save itself. If it weren’t for a God who is truly just, hopelessness would be our only option, reliving a cycle of violence and brokenness over and over again. Truth is also that there is a hope that is not abstract, but very real in the sense that evil will ultimately be reckoned with, not by fallible and corrupt human judges, but rather by the only being that can offer true vindication for the oppressed. The creature will be reckoned with, there is an end in sight to suffering that seemingly never ends. Without this hope… I would be deeply lost, hidden within myself… never to be able to trust again. Without this hope, for which I must continue to fight for in the midst of great evil and sorrow, the pain and distrust of this life would have driven me to a place much worse than the creature's fortress. 

I was alone. In my attempt to leave I felt as though I was trapped in a cage, separated from my wife being poked and prodded by a grotesque creature impatiently waiting for my demise or servitude. I escaped. To the reader, you may still be trapped, but there is hope. I pray you find the support to escape yourself. And to those who may now be free from their “creature,” healing is ahead, though labored and painful it may be, I pray for peace, joy and comfort in the midst of it.